The Scripts:
Bully or Persecutor
So have you ever found yourself feeling like a friend or a
loved one was setting you up?
Ever felt like you were going to get in trouble no matter
what kind of response you gave?
Have you ever heard this line, “Does this dress make me look
fat?”
If you say yes, you’re in serious trouble!
What if you say no?
Maybe you’re being truthful…but maybe you’re being set up for a
conflict. The “non-fat” friend of
yours could reply back with something like…well are you saying the other dress
makes me look fat?
It’s a no-win for you isn’t it?
How about this one: “It’s your fault I over drew the checking account! You
said I could buy what I want.”
The language that we use is based on our personality. These are examples of people using the Bully script. It is also called the persecutor or the perpetrator. This is one of the three scripts in the Drama Triangle or the Victim Triangle. The Drama Triangle was a concept put forward by Dr. Stephen Carpman. He viewed personality conflict through a triangle with three different scripts. Each script puts the responsibility for behavior on the other person in the relationship. Not on the one doing the talking.
I remember being in the group home where I worked for two
years as a therapist. I would
constantly watch kids attempting to get out of trouble by blaming other kids or
staff members for the unjust treatment that they thought they were about to
get. It usually came about because
of something they had done wrong, but they were frantically working on a story
that put the responsibility for their behaviors on someone else. Usually they tried to come up with
something they remembered from earlier in the day. They would try to spin the story so that they were the
victim in the situation. The thing that struck me was that fifteen minutes
later they would be staring down some other poor kid, and threatening
unspeakable things they were going to do to them. Where did that poor victim go? It had only been fifteen minutes and they were threatening
to beat up on another kid. They
hadn’t learned anything from the consequence that was used or attempts to make
them feel like less of a victim. (Assuming
they were convincing enough to the staff member involved with them.)
I was introduced to the Victim Triangle through these
episodes. I used this concept in
treatment every day…all day.
Here’s what I would do.
A teenaged child would approach me, usually screaming about
what they were going to do to so and so, if they didn’t start getting some
respect. Usually there would
be some other poor teenager backed into a corner. I would ask them, “I didn’t know you were such a perpetrator
(Or bully)…Is that what you are telling me you want me to believe, or is there
something else you are trying to tell me?
Usually that was enough of a warning about the child’s behavior to get
them to stop for a minute from their tirade. Usually the other kid (or staff member) was even more
intrigued, because few people actually talk in this type of language in their
daily life. Think about it. I’m not saying they are a perpetrator,
or a bully. They approached me and
said they were about to do something painful and bullying to someone else. Their own language already shows their
intended choice through a threat of bodily harm to someone else. I’m just taking them seriously…but I
had already spent time with the same child as they were using the victim
script. I had empathized with them
when they believed they were the victim.
I didn’t necessarily enable that belief. I empathized with them.
Sometimes I reality checked with them about twisted thinking
in the victim script too. But I
empathized with them when they were the victim. I validated their healthy choices, and offered alternative
ways to think for future situations.
The other child always
safely got out of the corner. The
Bully was also able to save face, because I was actually calling them a bully,
which was what they wanted their victim to perceive. But they made the choice to step away from the bully role in
the episode. It also showed the
actual potential victim in the situation how to use de-escalating language in
the moment.
By taking the threatening behavior seriously and telling
them what it is, I give them the opportunity to be responsible for choosing
which role they want to occupy.
They can’t be all three things (Bully, Victim, Rescuer) in the matter of
an hour. They know it’s not
consistent. Over the course of the
relationship with the children, I would spend time empathizing with them,
regardless of what script they used.
They always needed empathy, because they were working on changing
aspects of how they cope with others.
I was challenging how they view the world, and how they believed others
perceived them.