Once you have set up the ten rules in your home you will probably face some setbacks and frustrations. Hopefully you will begin to see some positive results from having a “home base” to parent from. The more you use them, the more you will notice that your language will start to follow a pattern. You may find yourself repeating things. You will develop what is termed a “script.” We will call it a script from here on out.
As you notice yourself practicing the rules, you may realize that your script is less about you or your child. It’s actually about the behavior you are trying to correct. For example, I might say to my little one, “Do we throw our toys?” She would say no.
“What do we do with our toys?” I would ask her.
“We play nicely with our toys.” She would respond.
We’ve practiced this, so she knows she has misbehaved. I’m just giving her the opportunity to be responsible for her behavior and to correct it through her own choice.
If she continues to throw her toy we would send her to time out and talk about the behavior again. But the benefit here is that we did not resort to what would have been my early script without the rules. It would go something like this.
“What are you doing?”
No response.
“Elizabeth!” If you don’t stop that right now, you’re going to get a spanking.
No response.
Elizabeth, if you don’t stop doing that right now, daddy’s going to get mad.
She still continues.
Elizabeth don’t make daddy come over there.
Elizabeth continues…etc etc. Until I follow through and spank her or change to a consequence I am willing to follow through with.
Notice my consequences kept getting less severe. I’m already changing my strategy from cause/effect to trying to appeal to her. I’ve told her she won, and I just want her to change her mind so she can preserve the relationship. I’ve given her the responsibility of parenting because I didn’t do what I said I would do the first time.
I never told her what she needed to stop doing. I didn’t follow through with my pledge to spank her until at least the third or fourth warning. This encourages her to continue to test the limit.
The script is habitual dialogue that I draw upon from the past with my child. Sometimes we take what we hear from our parents and make it snowball in the lives of our children.
The victim triangle, or the drama triangle:
This is an approach to understanding personality dialogue and what’s called the externalization process. It is credited to Dr. Steven Karpman MD. He first devised this model in the 1960’s. He came up with a dramatic script visual called the “victim triangle,” or the “drama triangle.” This is a very helpful tool to understand the way people try to avoid responsibility in their daily interactions.
We are not constant victims of the world. We choose what we do and how we feel.
“You always…” (Always is an absolute term. People are not absolute beings.)
“You never…” (Never is an absolute term.)
“Don’t make me do…” (People can’t really make you do things unless they violate your boundaries, such as a hostage situation).
“You make me feel…” (People can’t make you feel anything unless they are physically harming you).
This is an example of the “victim” script. The example is how our dialogue attempts to make us the victims of the people we are talking with.
“Don’t make me spank you” would be an example of a parent making himself the victim of a noncompliant child. The parent is implying that he is the victim of the child’s spanking. It makes the consequence the problem and not the behavior. This diminishes the cause/effect relationship to the child’s choice to misbehave. It also encourages a later attachment issue between the two. We will discuss these issues in more detail later.
We will discuss the three main scripts and put them in a visual format.
The best way to avoid script language is to focus on the problem, not attacking the person. In our pre-marital counseling, our pastor gave us a communication covenant. One of the best lines in that document was that we would agree to never verbally attack our spouse. We would always discuss the problem as being the problem and not the person as being the problem. This is one of the most important points in counseling all relationship issues. We will continue with the victim triangle and the concept of scripts in our next few blog articles.